人生真的有很多事情是没法预料的，有些好，有些坏。不管是好是坏，应该都是对现在的我有贡献的。 想到这里就会有很多感触。多么希望从没遇到过某些人，也有很希望早点遇到并且拥有的人。我不是一个会表达自己的人，所以常常会怕被误会是个冷漠的人。虽然心里明明有比海更深的感情，还是很难，也不知道怎么去说出这份情。虽然如此，我也知道自己是个感情非常丰富的人，只是不会表达。现在一点一点的学着表达了，又会害怕说错话。单单用 我爱你 三个子， 总觉得不能充分的表达出我真正的感受。
我早就了解他的性格，也就因为知道他有个这么迷人的性格才会喜欢上他。因此我也早就知道他没有我还是会过得很好，但是真的听到时还是会有点伤心。当时我本来很想说，我没有他会很不一样；说我知道心里再也容不下另一个人；说我不论做什么事 在什么时候都想这他；想说他就是我的幸福；想大声的说出可是如果我没有他会过得一点都不好。但是， 我没说。不想让他觉得有压力，也可能希望他也是这么想的吧。我知道虽然我们彼此爱得方式不太一样，但这也不代表谁爱得多一点还是少一点。我能用着生命的全部去爱他，因为他就是我的幸福。对我来说，世上什么利益钱财永远都不比最爱的人重要，就算是他变了心，就算他不爱我，我们在一起的点点滴滴 也足够我回忆一辈子。如果说着样的爱在现在的时代太执着，太压抑，我会学着用他能接受的方式表达。像这样犹豫的感触，就留着在伯克上发泄吧。只要能在他身边，我就算是拥有最多幸福的人了。

Labels: Blog Posts

It's amazing to find someone to love,
and a miracle to be loved by that someone too.,
but it is not just about two people is it.

I am very scared,
it takes effort to breathe, tummy starts to hurt and my fingers go numb,
I can feel the blood pumping through my neck,
painful to even think, because it feels so familiar.

Labels: Blog Posts

What's the concept really?
Rant:
More creative and "young" ways to woo voters for elections. So what's the concept of a stuffed ant? The only thing I can think of is working non-stop like ants, hardly appealing, or is there even a concept to begin with? A mascot is a nice idea, but maybe more thought should be put into it. Or am I just terribly dense that I don't see what all these are about?
What about a bad Zorro Halloween outift? What messege is that supposed to convey? I doubt voters 20-30 years old will be woo-ed by these "ideas". If the actual actor was hired to entertain the people it would probably work better. I'm not trying to be tight-lipped or old fashion.

All these probably just shows how much their thinking, concept, are REALLY far from the younger generation. Nothing beats the generation gap huh.

http://sg.yfittopostblog.com/2011/01/31/pap-to-young-sporeans-were-not-all-work-and-no-play/

Well, seems like I am back to emo blogging. I've never been good at blogging about random daily affair, which, imo are trivial. But are probably more important since it's better to one day, read up on the past entries and remember all the fun and good things that happen rather than the opposite. Then again, these supposedly depressing things also served as lessons learnt and probably will remind me of how fortunate I actually already am.

There's a period of time where I thought all I want at the end of the day is to have a fulfilling marriage like my parents. I know all about what the worse that can come from a relationship, marriage included or not, but was never really bothered because I always believed that there's a good living example right in this house. Family really affects a person, well in this case me, a lot more than I wish to be. My idea of a good relationship is most likely not going to be agreeable with many other ladies. In fact, my idea went through quite a few transitions along the way. In the beginning, I believed that if two person liked each other enough, then things can work out as long as they have enough things in common. I never really bothered about love because it doesn't seem to be the deciding factor of whether a relationship will work out or not. People change and you don't love forever, even a couple in a million is probably too positive of an estimate. I have relatives who live longer together and are happier even though they didn't and possible don't even really love each other now.  Then, I've also seen what love can do to a person. My auntie probably doesn't want to give up on what used to be a great bf, husband and a great uncle to me. But he changed, despite everything that he promised her. There's no doubt in that. I won't be harsh to say he has no more feelings for my auntie, but definitely far from what it used to be, which didn't even last past 5 years.

That's when I decided on another thing. I had never fell in love until then but I know I am an emotional person just like my aunt. And I definitely don't want to end up in such a situation. I used to think it's ok not to ever find love, that it is probably is really better to be with someone who just loves me. It'll be enough if I just like and get along with that someone. Then, no matter what happens, I won't be hurt, because I don't love and don't care enough to be actually hurt on such a deep level. Selfish and foolish, that I know now.

I'm sure my mom has feelings for my dad and vice versa. I don't know who loves who more, it's not important. However, sometimes I wonder if my mom chose my dad because he was/is one of the most decent guys around. He doesn't smoke, drink, gamble, womanize. He also used to be a great dad, a better cook than my mom, really patient responsible and reliable. I'm not saying my parent's didn't marry for love. Neither of them are good at expressing their feelings or teaching me about feelings. I've always been given practical advice by my mom, she talks to be about everything between the relationship between two people but never about love. I like to think that she just don't want me to lose my head with the lovey dovey stuff. Til then, at least I had hope. But every family goes through difficult times, and this is probably it for mine. My mom is going through menopause soon and symptoms are terrible, my dad seem to be suffering from the same just in the male equivalent. I'd never thought I will say this. but I am probably just a little glad that the whole family is together, making effort to stay together because of my kid brother, because he is too young to be without a mom or a dad or a sister. Things doesn't feel as bad as it sounds, but nobody is ruling out that possibility. Still, chinese parents are very traditional, and my parents are very chinese. They will definitely tolerate anything if it is best for the kids. That's probably a good and bad thing, but at least my brother doesn't feel the tension. But all these really made me very, faithless; more faithless actually.

Until I actually knew what love means to me, I really lived on the believe that it is totally something I can skip out on in my life so things can be easier, smoother, less emotional blahblah blah. But until the day I actually realise what it is, I knew that it's not something I can skip or give up on. That's also something I realise after I lost it. Nothing written in books about heartbreaks are exaggerated, I'm sure you know if you've experienced one. It's funny why I'd never regretted or stopped believing and hoping even during the most difficult times. That's when I realise what a great thing it is. Even though it probably only lasted a month, a week or a day, it is undoubtedly in my heart that it happened. It doesn't even seemed to matter whether or not I was sure the feeling was mutual or not. A moment's love can, seriously last a lifetime and will do anything to preserve that feeling. Sounds like being enslaved, willingly. So I told my mom, I'm really afraid because I am really happy now. It's so unrealistic because it feels like everything is ok, everything is perfect and I can't ever possibly be happier and more satisfied. But then past issues never really pass 100%, they always leave some kind of scar and that's when I remember how devastated I was. Even remembering it now, make it difficult for me to keep my eyes dry because I can still feel the heaviness on my chest that I used to feel everyday. I never ever want to feel that again because I think I've reached my limits on how much I can handle, and I really don't think I can go through something like that kind of heartbreak again. At this point of time, I may be said to be paranoid, and faithless. But hey, even after twenty happy years, nobody would have expected my parents to be having trouble and falling out.


So, I asked my mom how she feels and I am honestly surprised at what she told me. Somehow it made me see her in a different light. I asked her about what the point of pursuing something is when it is going to end badly? I've never seen a couple together for more than twenty years and still love each other. They're all together because of kids, or because they feel too old to do it all over again. She said she had twenty good years with my dad and nothing is going to change that fact, how many twenty years can a person have? She said even if it were ten years she would also not have a single regret. She admitted that she changed, definitely not as good as she used to be in many ways, and it's just a matter of giving in and stepping back. And that was probably the most emotional thing she'd ever said to me. It's a simple concept, one that I knew long ago, can't be held back from something just because some bad Might come out from it. I guess I knew that but just needed someone to pick it up from the depths of my brain for me.
I'm just afraid that someday I might just be hurt all over again; but the scarier thing is that I don't care.  Everything feels so right and whatever just seem to be totally worth it no matter what. That's also what makes me feel afraid of being the one who end up hurting instead of being hurt. It is really, just scary when I put my whole heart out, feels like waiting for it to be trampled on because I am so used to having locks and armors around it, now I feel so naked and vulnerable. And I hate feeling that way because I know it is just me, being paranoid over things that I dreamt about and things that have passed. And that really conflicts badly because I also seriously believe that I won't be hurt this time and that it is more difficult to bare if I let my foolish paranoid self spoil everything. It's so cliche that I needed someone else to point out something so simple, that I had already known inside me. I'm glad I talked about it, somehow it makes everything seem much simpler and less problematic. It even feels stupid now to have such an issue bother me so much.

So well, this had been an extraordinarily long entry. I didn't know I am still capable of typing in such great lengths.

Labels: Blog Posts

Some of the most absurd things happens around the world. Just a few days ago, my mom told me about a piece of news she read. Apparently in China, a man's ex-wife had to pay off his debts which amounted to $500k. That's just because the man gave his ex-wife everything they shared after the divorce, and the court decided that since the man's possessions were given to his ex-wife, she should pay the debt. I doubt that the "everything" is worth anything close to the amount at all.

But what I saw on yahoo news today is even worse.
News @ http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20100805/twl-us-facebook-cheating-dispute-ef375f8.html
I am seriously still cursing this son of a bitch who cheated on his wife by marrying someone else, then pretends to repent, only to run away with their children to live with the woman he was cheating on his wife for. Sometimes it's really hard to believe the nerve some people have. It's even worse when the law seemingly "can't do much" when a woman's children is forcefully taken away by a cheating, deceving and vey scheming husband. The irresponsible actions of the man should be evident enough that the children should not be legally allowed to live with him. Well, i'm not a lawyer and didn't study anything close to that, but the whole situation the woman is in feels absolutely stupid. She has as much rights to the kids as the man does whether they are married or not. Heck, in my point of view, she has more right than him because obviously he cared more about the woman he was keeping outside than his kids when he couldn't be bothered to take care of his newborn child and instead went dating. That is such a very very rotten man, and a very ineffective legal system against marriage conflicts.

I feel so strongly about this piece of news, I'm sure most women will too. I can't imagine being in a situation like that. More needs to be done, by the mother. I'm sure of that. She needs to grab more media and public attention if she wants a kids back no matter how difficult or embarrassing it can be.

A line from the novel I'm reading says that when a person works day and night, " so hard that you barely have time to catch your breath" because of three reasons. " Either they crazy, or stupid, or trying to forget".  I thought that's actually quite accurate (supposed we don't consider the practical reasons like money). And it made me realise maybe that was what I was doing during the last two years of school.

I've finally graduated after a very hectic year of working 7days a week, morning to night, many times with barely a few hours of sleep. But I am happy that it all paid off , somehow in the end because I am pleased with my results and I can actually google my name and find somethings written about me. It's also a reminder of all the things I went through in college.  It's a very, I should say, unforgettable, 4 years of my life. I learnt so much, went through so much. I met the love of my life, lost him; went through so much shit and emotional breakdowns that I am surprised I didn't go blind crying or kill myself half way; then found refuge in my work and made some really neat friends; at the end of it all I finally found my happiness. I guess I never truly understood how unhappy I was until I found happiness; and it's really clear to me why I should never take people around me for granted; and why I should be greatful everyday for having all that I do.
Now I truly believe that everything happens for a reason,  that will one day be clear someday or other. If I am given a chance to choose again, knowing what will happen and what I will have to go through, I will still choose the same because I know the chapter after  is worth it. I am very greatful, very contented and really at bliss.


Vicole


P.S. I took a really long break from blogging because of all the events that has been going on, hopefully I can start blogging regularly soon.

Labels: Blog Posts

TKBtrading.com finally came up with the mica blend for my horoscope! Cant wait to get this colour :D

Website URL: http://www.tkbtrading.com/item.php?item_id=1215

Arians (born March 21- April 19) are impulsive, a bit selfish in a child-like innocent and charming way, and very affectionate. Are you married to an Aries? Then you know they are also strong-headed like a Ram.

Our Aries Blend is the last color we designed for our Horoscope Series. It was a challenge for Lennye to design a red to represent Aries. She started with crimson/scarlet blends but finished with Aries Blend, an orangey red with sparks of red.


This color is unique and lovely in many ways:
It is a mostly matte color, not too sparkly
It has a deep, staining, undertone which comes from a blend of red oxides. Colors which have a lot of iron oxides in them have an intensity and longevity not matched by light-weight micas.
A subtle heat is added by a sprinkling of sparks of red

Labels: Blog Posts, tkb trading

I am up to my neck with work and bored out of my head right now. The other 3 of my gang of 4 are all missing until now, and that makes it just more boring.

I have not been doing much updates about my school work, so i'll just do a quick overview. My photoshoot is next sunday, 25th April. The assessment itself is tentatively around 7th-10th of May. The fashion show is on the 26th of May......

The most exciting thing to look forward to is probably the possibility to show my collection in the London Fashion week in the Graduate show. 4 schools world wide are chosen to showcase a few students work. It is amazing one of them is a school from Singapore, even mre amazing it's my school. The punch line is that only 4 of us can go. This was supposed to be decided after the assessment but the tickets to London are running out. ....
Hence, they are choosing tomorrow, Friday. I'm not really feeling the excitement this time, which is really weird because I am really excited and I really want to go (so is everyone else) ......

I'm looking at random horoscope readings while I wait for Christine to come back with lunch. I think it's amazing how these things can be so accurate. Sometimes even though certain things doesn't seem accurate on the surface, I often find that it's just that something or some reason is stopping me from being like that. Maybe like a lack of confidence, or expectations from my family, or most likely, time issues due to school/work. yadahh yadahhh yadahh....... I'm going to stop rumbling and get back to work.

Everything else is going on really smoothly. I think the best birthday present this year is I got myself back and I'm treasuring myself, everyone around me much more than before. I'm just happy that a new chapter of my life is starting!.. Time to start job-searching soon. :)


Now some random horoscope things I've been reading on www.horoscope.com .
It's really coincidental that my chinese horoscope is the Dragon, which matches that on the website.
Every desccription of Aries I've read before is fun-loving, have lots of friends, popular. Not really the case for me? Yeah, fun is good, but I don't think I am a very fun person. Or at least I dont find there are any fun places in Singapore. There are so many activities to do and places to visit and play at in China. Here it is really just plain. I dont have a lot friends either, maybe I am, just picky? . .. blah blah blahh...... I'm going back to work now :)





Next entries, My recent E.L.F. and GardenofWisdom Haul. :)

Labels: Blog Posts