Well, seems like I am back to emo blogging. I've never been good at blogging about random daily affair, which, imo are trivial. But are probably more important since it's better to one day, read up on the past entries and remember all the fun and good things that happen rather than the opposite. Then again, these supposedly depressing things also served as lessons learnt and probably will remind me of how fortunate I actually already am.

There's a period of time where I thought all I want at the end of the day is to have a fulfilling marriage like my parents. I know all about what the worse that can come from a relationship, marriage included or not, but was never really bothered because I always believed that there's a good living example right in this house. Family really affects a person, well in this case me, a lot more than I wish to be. My idea of a good relationship is most likely not going to be agreeable with many other ladies. In fact, my idea went through quite a few transitions along the way. In the beginning, I believed that if two person liked each other enough, then things can work out as long as they have enough things in common. I never really bothered about love because it doesn't seem to be the deciding factor of whether a relationship will work out or not. People change and you don't love forever, even a couple in a million is probably too positive of an estimate. I have relatives who live longer together and are happier even though they didn't and possible don't even really love each other now.  Then, I've also seen what love can do to a person. My auntie probably doesn't want to give up on what used to be a great bf, husband and a great uncle to me. But he changed, despite everything that he promised her. There's no doubt in that. I won't be harsh to say he has no more feelings for my auntie, but definitely far from what it used to be, which didn't even last past 5 years.

That's when I decided on another thing. I had never fell in love until then but I know I am an emotional person just like my aunt. And I definitely don't want to end up in such a situation. I used to think it's ok not to ever find love, that it is probably is really better to be with someone who just loves me. It'll be enough if I just like and get along with that someone. Then, no matter what happens, I won't be hurt, because I don't love and don't care enough to be actually hurt on such a deep level. Selfish and foolish, that I know now.

I'm sure my mom has feelings for my dad and vice versa. I don't know who loves who more, it's not important. However, sometimes I wonder if my mom chose my dad because he was/is one of the most decent guys around. He doesn't smoke, drink, gamble, womanize. He also used to be a great dad, a better cook than my mom, really patient responsible and reliable. I'm not saying my parent's didn't marry for love. Neither of them are good at expressing their feelings or teaching me about feelings. I've always been given practical advice by my mom, she talks to be about everything between the relationship between two people but never about love. I like to think that she just don't want me to lose my head with the lovey dovey stuff. Til then, at least I had hope. But every family goes through difficult times, and this is probably it for mine. My mom is going through menopause soon and symptoms are terrible, my dad seem to be suffering from the same just in the male equivalent. I'd never thought I will say this. but I am probably just a little glad that the whole family is together, making effort to stay together because of my kid brother, because he is too young to be without a mom or a dad or a sister. Things doesn't feel as bad as it sounds, but nobody is ruling out that possibility. Still, chinese parents are very traditional, and my parents are very chinese. They will definitely tolerate anything if it is best for the kids. That's probably a good and bad thing, but at least my brother doesn't feel the tension. But all these really made me very, faithless; more faithless actually.

Until I actually knew what love means to me, I really lived on the believe that it is totally something I can skip out on in my life so things can be easier, smoother, less emotional blahblah blah. But until the day I actually realise what it is, I knew that it's not something I can skip or give up on. That's also something I realise after I lost it. Nothing written in books about heartbreaks are exaggerated, I'm sure you know if you've experienced one. It's funny why I'd never regretted or stopped believing and hoping even during the most difficult times. That's when I realise what a great thing it is. Even though it probably only lasted a month, a week or a day, it is undoubtedly in my heart that it happened. It doesn't even seemed to matter whether or not I was sure the feeling was mutual or not. A moment's love can, seriously last a lifetime and will do anything to preserve that feeling. Sounds like being enslaved, willingly. So I told my mom, I'm really afraid because I am really happy now. It's so unrealistic because it feels like everything is ok, everything is perfect and I can't ever possibly be happier and more satisfied. But then past issues never really pass 100%, they always leave some kind of scar and that's when I remember how devastated I was. Even remembering it now, make it difficult for me to keep my eyes dry because I can still feel the heaviness on my chest that I used to feel everyday. I never ever want to feel that again because I think I've reached my limits on how much I can handle, and I really don't think I can go through something like that kind of heartbreak again. At this point of time, I may be said to be paranoid, and faithless. But hey, even after twenty happy years, nobody would have expected my parents to be having trouble and falling out.


So, I asked my mom how she feels and I am honestly surprised at what she told me. Somehow it made me see her in a different light. I asked her about what the point of pursuing something is when it is going to end badly? I've never seen a couple together for more than twenty years and still love each other. They're all together because of kids, or because they feel too old to do it all over again. She said she had twenty good years with my dad and nothing is going to change that fact, how many twenty years can a person have? She said even if it were ten years she would also not have a single regret. She admitted that she changed, definitely not as good as she used to be in many ways, and it's just a matter of giving in and stepping back. And that was probably the most emotional thing she'd ever said to me. It's a simple concept, one that I knew long ago, can't be held back from something just because some bad Might come out from it. I guess I knew that but just needed someone to pick it up from the depths of my brain for me.
I'm just afraid that someday I might just be hurt all over again; but the scarier thing is that I don't care.  Everything feels so right and whatever just seem to be totally worth it no matter what. That's also what makes me feel afraid of being the one who end up hurting instead of being hurt. It is really, just scary when I put my whole heart out, feels like waiting for it to be trampled on because I am so used to having locks and armors around it, now I feel so naked and vulnerable. And I hate feeling that way because I know it is just me, being paranoid over things that I dreamt about and things that have passed. And that really conflicts badly because I also seriously believe that I won't be hurt this time and that it is more difficult to bare if I let my foolish paranoid self spoil everything. It's so cliche that I needed someone else to point out something so simple, that I had already known inside me. I'm glad I talked about it, somehow it makes everything seem much simpler and less problematic. It even feels stupid now to have such an issue bother me so much.

So well, this had been an extraordinarily long entry. I didn't know I am still capable of typing in such great lengths.

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Some of the most absurd things happens around the world. Just a few days ago, my mom told me about a piece of news she read. Apparently in China, a man's ex-wife had to pay off his debts which amounted to $500k. That's just because the man gave his ex-wife everything they shared after the divorce, and the court decided that since the man's possessions were given to his ex-wife, she should pay the debt. I doubt that the "everything" is worth anything close to the amount at all.

But what I saw on yahoo news today is even worse.
News @ http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20100805/twl-us-facebook-cheating-dispute-ef375f8.html
I am seriously still cursing this son of a bitch who cheated on his wife by marrying someone else, then pretends to repent, only to run away with their children to live with the woman he was cheating on his wife for. Sometimes it's really hard to believe the nerve some people have. It's even worse when the law seemingly "can't do much" when a woman's children is forcefully taken away by a cheating, deceving and vey scheming husband. The irresponsible actions of the man should be evident enough that the children should not be legally allowed to live with him. Well, i'm not a lawyer and didn't study anything close to that, but the whole situation the woman is in feels absolutely stupid. She has as much rights to the kids as the man does whether they are married or not. Heck, in my point of view, she has more right than him because obviously he cared more about the woman he was keeping outside than his kids when he couldn't be bothered to take care of his newborn child and instead went dating. That is such a very very rotten man, and a very ineffective legal system against marriage conflicts.

I feel so strongly about this piece of news, I'm sure most women will too. I can't imagine being in a situation like that. More needs to be done, by the mother. I'm sure of that. She needs to grab more media and public attention if she wants a kids back no matter how difficult or embarrassing it can be.

A line from the novel I'm reading says that when a person works day and night, " so hard that you barely have time to catch your breath" because of three reasons. " Either they crazy, or stupid, or trying to forget".  I thought that's actually quite accurate (supposed we don't consider the practical reasons like money). And it made me realise maybe that was what I was doing during the last two years of school.

I've finally graduated after a very hectic year of working 7days a week, morning to night, many times with barely a few hours of sleep. But I am happy that it all paid off , somehow in the end because I am pleased with my results and I can actually google my name and find somethings written about me. It's also a reminder of all the things I went through in college.  It's a very, I should say, unforgettable, 4 years of my life. I learnt so much, went through so much. I met the love of my life, lost him; went through so much shit and emotional breakdowns that I am surprised I didn't go blind crying or kill myself half way; then found refuge in my work and made some really neat friends; at the end of it all I finally found my happiness. I guess I never truly understood how unhappy I was until I found happiness; and it's really clear to me why I should never take people around me for granted; and why I should be greatful everyday for having all that I do.
Now I truly believe that everything happens for a reason,  that will one day be clear someday or other. If I am given a chance to choose again, knowing what will happen and what I will have to go through, I will still choose the same because I know the chapter after  is worth it. I am very greatful, very contented and really at bliss.


Vicole


P.S. I took a really long break from blogging because of all the events that has been going on, hopefully I can start blogging regularly soon.

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